MY NEW HERO

Woman uses wedgie to subdue car thief...

It took a wedgie and a headlock to pin down a man suspected of breaking into a car.

Yvonne Morris, a technician at the Brickyard Animal Hospital, said she chased a man who broke into a co-worker's car, but he kept squirming away from her.

The third time, Morris grabbed hold of the man's boxer shorts and pulled. Salt Lake City police said she then she put a headlock on the man until help could arrive.

now that's what i call a "wham, bam, thank you ma'am"...

fun with homemade tattoos...

a permanent marker is all it takes...
pirate is the new black...
i love it when i see this tattoo on mean bikers...

my new workout regiment for 2009...

i found a gym in England where they have replaced dumbbells with dwarves or "little people" as they like to be called. brilliant! i say we bring a similar gym to new york city pronto.
but if we can get our choice of a little person than i want this guy, whose nickname is romeo. oh yeah, i can tell why...bring on the weights, let's FEEL THE BURN!

Bye Bye Bush!

see ya bush! don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out...

this picture is courtesy of my new favorite website www.fingersalutetobush.org

i have a new favorite show: "17 and Counting". it's a show about the Duggar Family who have 17 kids (with one on the way), are devout christians (clearly), live in Arkansas (really?!), and their crazy home-schooling, baby-making lives. and by favorite show, i mean that it is fascinatingly scary. but let me tell you exactly what i "enjoy" about this show:
1. the father's name is Jim Bob. yes!
2. all of the kids names begin with J. and not just ordinary J names, but scary J names that sound like they are straight out of the "Children of the Corn" cast like: Jeremiah, Jedidiah, and Josiah.
3. if they like the sound of a name, they stick with it! why get creative with 17 different names? they like names that rhyme (like the ones above) or switch a letter and add an apostrophe like Johanna and Joy-Anna!
4. if you ever need to hire an orchestra for a wedding or an event, you can hire them! the 10 month old can even play the viloin! now that is god's work!
and since they have one more baby on the way, i would like to offer my own suggestions of J names for the new little one:
Jeep (if it's a boy it's perfect because boys loves cars!)
Jello (everyone loves Jello!)
Jew (great for those "Jews for Jesus" viewers of the show!)
Just-stopmom (that was the consensus winner from all 17 kids, AND it's hyphenated!)
Jacked-up (because that's what an 18th baby will look like coming out that womb)...

ALEC BALDWIN and ME

last night i went to see alec baldwin speak about his new book on divorce...i know, not a happy topic, but the man is funny. we were able to fill out questions on index cards and i was tempted to ask him if i could have the recipe for "shweaty balls". but i thought the crowd of upper east siders who clearly the first election they voted in was Teddy Roosevelt wouldn't have appreciated it. so i opted out of my question and just sat back and laughed. about divorce.
susie bought the book afterward, and i waited in line to get it signed. he was very quick with everyone, but when it came to my turn he asked me a bunch of questions (ok 2 questions) and we must have spent 15 minutes together (more like 15 seconds) and everyone else in the line was super jealous (only the woman behind me because she was large and in charge and needed food soon or she would collapse right on top of alec and show him the true meaning of "shweaty")
anyways, we shared a very intimate moment together...i told him i was a young aspiring writer, and that i think i would make a great addition to 30 Rock (alright he only asked me my age, if i had been divorced, and did i find the book helpful...) it was magical and i think he was so taken by my brilliance that he invited me out to pizza afterward...
(ok, he didn't so much as invite me, but we happened to grab a slice at the same spot across the street. but i was there first...) anyways, i think a-bald (we have nicknames for eachother now, he calls me nisnice) and i really understood eachother and i can't wait to work on his next movie with him (or go see it at the theater around the corner)...

The Michelle Obama purse

i may not be going to the inauguration, but at least i have a cute purse to rock-out around town. or not.
i used to think that only republicans were prone to hideous fashion faux pas (see below), but i guess you can attach democrats to that title now. oh and for you party girls out there, the Michelle Obama purse also comes in a cute little clutch for all those inaugural balls!

happy birthday pops!!!

today is my dad's birthday.

i love my dad because:
1. he gives good hugs
2. he looks very studly in pink
3. he makes even the goofiest glasses look sexy
happy birthday pops! i love you!

My Sister Siri

today is my sister Siri's birthday.
she is the best sister for many reasons:
she lets me cheat at cards while looking the other way...
we are both prepared for any kind of weather...
and we can survive awesome hairstyles and overalls and still love each other.

happy birthday sisi!
i love you!

Rachael Ray sucks

i think i knew this before...but now i really know it. yesterday i went to a "live" taping of rachael ray. i was really excited because i love tv and i love to eat. so i thought, what a great way to do both! Wrong.
Basically to make a long story short, we had to sit in the audience for nearly FOUR hours while they shot ONE "live" show. if we wanted to use the bathroom, we had to raise our hand. this gave me bad flashbacks to when i was in diapers and had to waddle my way over to an adult and shake my bum around until someone noticed that i needed to be changed.
so for fun i googled "rachael ray sucks" (because that's how i felt this morning), and i found a whole community! click here to check it out...

a little valentines day help for P-Diddy

i know valentines day is over a month away, but i thought since Sean-Puff-Daddy-P-Diddy-Lady-Killer-Combs probably has so many honeys he is juggling with, that he might need a little help. so i put together a universal card that he can send to them all...you're welcome p-diddy...What’s up cutie-pie baby honey girl,

You so fly you rock my world.
Your body is slammin’, it gets me jammin’,
It makes me crave an egg, cheese and hammin.
And on this day of Saint Valentine,
I want you to know you are all mine.

I like the way our bodies mingle,
Shoot, it makes my left side tingle.
And when I lay your nakedness upon that bed,
I forgot how much I like you in red.
So put that sexy lingerie back on,
I’m not quite ready to lay down like lawn.

You can call me Puffy, P-Diddy, or Sean,
Hold on while I run to the John.
Ok I’m back, now let’s get it on.
Baby girl, It is you that I love,
Your body fits me like a glove,
Not the OJ kind, but one from above.

Eat up this chocolate covered strawberry,
Girl, so slow down I’m not ready to marry.
Don’t start cryin’ I don’t like drama,
And no you aren’t my baby’s mama.
Let’s just relax and slow it down,
Let me kiss away that silly frown.

Its not the size of the wallet that counts,
It is the way this fly brother mounts.
Rub my back, Tickle my feet,
No you aren’t my piece of meat.
But if you were you’d a T-bone,
I know my moves make you moan.

So on this Valentines Day, before we make sweet sweet music,
And before my Ciroc Vodka makes you booze sick,
I want you to know that this isn’t just a fling,
My love is tall for you like Yao Ming.
And in the morning when I wake up,
Be gone and don’t forget your make-up.

love you always baby girl.
your boo,
puffy

Chelsea Handler

i saw my idol, chelsea handler perform this weekend...
and then i stalked the stage door afterwards...
apparently she answers to the word "vodka"...

Bill and Me

the secret service tackled me to the ground soon after i posed for this photo with bill.

my awesome niece sasha

my niece is better than your niece for several reasons:
1. she is super cute
2. she is super smart
3. she loves me (who wouldn't?!?)
4. she made me a deeeeeelicious birthday cake

my new hobby - amateur papparazzi photog...this house belongs to a certain ex-wife of billy joel. like a real papparazzi i'm not going to mention any names, but she just went through a messy divorce with peter cook.









i find that wintertime is the best time to get your papparazzi on - since all the leaves have fallen - giving you better views of your subject matter. the only problem is there are few places to hide when you are staked out in the woods...and hiding behind a pine tree can get a little hairy with the pine needles and all. my suggestion - put some ornaments in your pocket and if you are ever caught hiding out behind said pine tree, just pretend you are decorating it...

my xmas card picture...(not shown in the photo - santa grabbing my ass...just look at his expression...he's grabbing the reindeer's too...just look at the reindeer's expression...)
gotta love a reindeer with a scarf on...

i am published!!!! click here...

watch out Anderson Cooper....i'm comin' for ya...

animal exhibitionism...

Race to the White House (Via Your Driveway) 2008

every weekend these two signs move closer and closer to the edge of their driveways...the McCain driveway actually had two signs side by side but it "accidentally" fell down while i was trying to get the perfect picture. then somehow that same fallen sign was swept away by a hefty wind and landed in the trash can at the Target parking lot. come on now, do two signs mean you really really want McCain to win? or does it mean you really really are an ass?

people I would like to ship out to space, never to be heard from again (in no particular order):

1. the jonas brothers - it's bad enough that there are 3 of them, but if i hear one more word about who did their hair, what skinny jeans they are wearing, or their chastity belts, i will have to officially stop watching the E! channel and i don't want to have to do that for those feathered-haird freaks.

2. miley cyrus - i know she's only 16, but she sounds like she's been smoking a carton of cigarettes a day for 87934 years. if she could do me a favor and bring her hannah montana character along on that space ride with her, that'd be much appreciated.

3. brad and angelina - i don't care if you adopt the whole nation of honduras, but all the talk about your growing family and your "charity work" has gotten too preachy and annoying.

4. ryan seacrest - enough said.

my new hobby - horse back riding...
galloping...
good horsey...
taking cell phone calls on my new eco-friendly phone...

i have found the best diner in the world. the attraction isn't so much the diner food (although if i could i would bathe in a bowl of their matzo ball soup and use their grilled cheese sandwich as a loofah), but the best part is their crazy decorating enthusiasm for any and all holidays...they even go so far as to celebrate "groundhog's day"...but now is strictly all about halloween and has been since the 2nd week of september...
ridin' the caboose to ghost town....
if this writing thing doesn't work out i would make a mean mummy...
as if the place couldn't get any better they have a "toy house" or as i like to call it a "toy-claw-clamp-down-on-my toy-now-thingy...."
and when the toy-claw-clamp doesn't give me the toy i want...i break out my "give-me-all-your-lunch-money" bully tactics...

woohoo! i can't wait to see the attractions at exit 55!!
bummer...

DAVID BLAINE and his "Shadoobie on a Crane"

yesterday i went into central park to see what all the hype was about with david blaine and his "dive of death". or as i like to now refer to it as "taking a shadoobie on a crane". kinda like samuel l. jackson's "snakes on a plane", but much more anti-climactic and lacking any sort of entertainment value. or snakes.
when i got there david blaine was not upside down at all, but on a crane going to the bathroom in a gatorade bottle underneath a blanket. for 45 minutes!

when he finally went back upside down, you could actually stand in line and talk to him face-to upside down-face. i thought this idea was sweet until i saw the mass chaos of his "closest fans" storm the area complete with david blaine posters for him to sign while upside down. but after waiting for him to get done with his business on the crane, this close-up picture i got of him was about all the patience i had left.
so back to my "snakes on a plane" reference...if david blaine was wrapped around with a man-eating anaconda boa constricting python WHILE being suspended upside down, and he needed to stand up on a crane to get life-saving serum, now we're talking!

are you ever watching your favorite tv show, and when it comes time for the commercials you sit there awestruck by the types of commercials they have on? and you think to yourself, if this is my favorite show and these are the types of commericals trying to reach my demographic then perhaps i need to rethink my favorite shows? or by what they are suggesting i need to rethink my favorite everything?
for instance, the other night i was watching "america's next top model" and during a commercial break the ads were for: stride gum (i guess i have bad breath?), swiffer wet mop (my apartment is a mess), rid-x exterminator (great, now on top of a messy apartment, i have a rodent problem), and finally the real winner - genital wart prescription (fantastic, now i have a little situation down there that i need to take care of...)
so next time you are watching one of your favorite programs, keep an eye on the commercials and see what kind of messy problems advertisers are telling you to take care of...

my blog is up and running! it only took me fourteen hours to figure it out...and now i'm too brain dead to write anymore...